She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
