nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
