She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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