It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
