just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I did not marry a roomba.
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