wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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