His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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