and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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