I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
two words...techno handjob
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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