halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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