Whod you bang
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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