Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
