True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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