If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
