She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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