I will die if light touches me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I understand Curling. That high.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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