i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
