My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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