the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
