i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
