did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
