we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
