there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
