I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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