two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
