I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize