Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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