wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
