Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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