matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
