The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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