My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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