If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
