Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
