Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
