Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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