She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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