I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Im part way to drunk.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
