you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
