Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
