Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
