dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
