i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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