I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You are the jesus of drinking
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
