My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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