I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
