I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
