i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
