my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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