there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
