My liver just broke up with me...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize