so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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