Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
