Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
