dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
