...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
