I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He passed out mid-signature
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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