i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize